Media Meltdown

I work in media. Before my current network, I worked for a womens' television network in production and development. I subscribe to Marie Claire. I receive monthly Birch Box subscriptions (they send you monthly sample-sized products; mascaras, new hair cremes, etc). I subscribe to PopSugar on Facebook to make sure I get all the celebrity fashions, updates, what they were seen eating, what silly things their kids decided to do that day, what SoulCycle classes they were seen attending, who is wearing what during awards season. I've never been that hipster that claims they don't need Facebook or loudly proclaims their disdains for social medias and celebreality, etc. I can proudly admit that yea, I do like Facebook (I live 3,000 miles away from a lot of my family and I like that I can see what silly photos my brother took of his cat and his wife in San Francisco), PopSugar Facebook updates were a fun little ten seconds every three hours throughout the day. I would love getting my monthly Marie Claire in the mail to read about the cover girl and how in high school she was "actually a loner and a nerd" before her success. These things were a part of my daily life. I never even questioned if it was right or wrong, it just, was.

I guess it started in a yoga class. I attended a very trendy yoga class one day (I had a Groupon for it, and with my weird work schedule of 4am-12pm, it worked perfectly for my schedule that day). My dearest friend Colleen (who is a now a certified yoga instructor and has her own practice called ColFlower Yoga) taught a lot of classes recently that introduced me to actually liking yoga. So I thought on the days I couldn't take her awesome classes, I'd go elsewhere. It's the same thing everywhere, right? I walked in in my old ratty Forever21 shirt I found squished  in the back of my drawer, my yoga pants and mat and took a seat. I wasn't feeling particularly well that day, and I think when you have to rush to get everywhere in NYC, including a yoga class, it puts you in a somewhat unsettling mood when you arrive.

The class was too fast. I was frustrated. Then my brain decided to take my frustration further.

...I don't look like anyone in this class. Tall, thin, 5'8", slender, yoga body, Lululemon, perfect shellac manicure, top-of-the-head perfect knot bun (honestly, how the HELL do you get that thing on your head without like 80 bobbypins??).

I excused myself from the classroom and left.

What the hell was that? Why the hell did I just do that? Why was I even focusing on what the other people look like? They don't care who I am or what I look like (or at least hope so). I somehow ended up walking back to my apartment on the phone with my boyfriend, a tad choked up, and trying to figure out what the hell just happened back there.

I went home and brought up the mail, turned on my computer, Facebook, Pinterest, work email etc as I usually do and settled with a cup of tea. When all of a sudden I kind of saw everything in front of me.

My Marie Claire with the perfectly photoshopped Drew Barrymore and the "how to live a happy life" captions, my PopSugar hourly updates on Facebook telling me how to get that award-season look that Emma Watson has and how shockingly charming it is that Jennifer Lawrence is a normal and funny person, Pinterest photos of skinny models in leggings strutting the street in 5 inch heels with the caption "Fun Winter Outfit For Running Errands!", and  my BirchBox with its products that show me how to tame my unruly hair. It sort of hit me really suddenly. And yes, I get those Upworthy posts on my Facebook feed constantly about womens' empowerment, the  nature of photoshopping, etc. But I guess I had to figure it out for myself in my own weird way, very late in the game. I tossed the magazine and all the old Marie Claire's I had lying around, threw out the annoying gel packets from my BirchBox, unsubscribed from PopSugar on my Facebook. I very suddenly and surprisingly, just felt inundated. And that is unlike me to feel that way. I didn't watch the Golden Globes or The Grammy's which is a first for me, and don't have plans to watch the Oscars. But I unconsciously let these outlets become part of my daily, weekly, monthly routine, without realizing that I was creating an impossible standard for myself. It wasn't anyone's fault in my yoga class for my walk out, it was mine. It was what I was choosing to care about, and what I was choosing to make part of my daily intake without even realizing it.

I am a unique person. My mother is Indian, born in Madras, my father is Korean, born in Seoul, my mom and her siblings were raised in England so I was raised with a lot of that in my childhood as well, growing up on obscure British sitcoms that came on PBS daily, and my obsession with having to have an english cup of tea every 4 hours. I am 5'2", I am small but curvy, and my hair has a mind of its own. I don't look like anyone I know, and I have always been that way. It's a uniqueness, which some days I would choose to celebrate, some days I would make my flaw. At times I don't notice or care, at times I am super aware of it. A select few people I meet for the first time spend the first 20 minutes trying to guess what I am rather than learn fun facts about me (I can make a bike horn honking noise on demand, which is pretty funny I mean come on). There have even been a couple times where someone has flat out call me "weird" because of my background. There is no one in the media that looks remotely like I do, so I think as a kid, which seeps into adulthood, I felt that there was something I needed to change, to adapt to "the norm".

So I deleted everything, I unsubscribed, I opted out. I needed to start from scratch. Celebrate what I want to do, rather than someone or something telling me what they think I would or should like. It's a really really late realization for someone that is 28. But again, I am always pretty late in the game with everything. I mean, I still don't freaking drive, come on dude; I just yesterday realized that Sex In The City is "so not real life", and am for the first time actually starting to enjoy wine rather than sip it and pretend to actually taste the "fruity notes". But the coffee thing, still can't get on board with that. I bet when I'm 50 I'll call my friends and go "GUYS! THIS STUFF IS GREAT HAVE YOU HAD IT?? It's called COFFEE." But I guess better late than never right?

Yes I still am on Pinterest, and sometimes still use it as a guide to figure out if my flat black ankle boots would work with red jeans (in case you're wondering, with those boots it doesn't, I look like fucking Santa). So I'll stick to these pins for now: